You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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