I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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