I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
