my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
