At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
