I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
