the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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