I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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