Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Two words: nipple clamps
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