the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I will pee on everything he values.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
