Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
