I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
