i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
