I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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