My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just found puke in my bra..
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
