Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
All I want is dick and wine.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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