I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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