I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
