i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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