You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
