had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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