I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
