Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
