the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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