All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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