my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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