i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You're like the curious george of whores
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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