Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It was confusing and full of hummus
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
