piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
