Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
