Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
