on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
