I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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