by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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