I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
