my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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