and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
