I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
