I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
