Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
