you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
