I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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