just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
