The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
