so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
