I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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