just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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