Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Randomize
