What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
