My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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